AL bEast Predictions

Seeing as how it's still the pre-season and we're all itching hard for baseball as if Selig himself gave us crabs , I've decided to give my take on the projections for the 2011 season in the AL bEast.

Overall, I think it's safe to say that this off-season has really shaken things up in this division with the Yankees getting worse on pitching and the bottom feeders like the Jays and O's Rays making some serious progress towards AL beast status.

Yankees: With the retirement of Pettitte, the Yanks seem to be shriveling hard in the SP rankings like a dick in ice water. So much so that there was even a slogan created- something along the lines of  "Sabathia and Hughes, then we lose". You can tell that these guys are getting deperate with the minor league signings of Bartolo Colon, Freddy Garcia and Mark Prior. Expect Ivan Nova and Sergio Mitre to make the rotation with these withered and slimmed pickings. On the other hand their bats haven't taken a step back at all. Look for Robinson Cano, Mark Teixeira and Alex Rodriguez to provide the meat with Curtis Granderson and Brett Gardiner to bring some serious wheels to the table. With their "core four" down to just three, and the remaining players getting older and shittier with each passing day, don't be surprised if they start bringing up some fresh blood even before September to learn the ropes.

Red Sox: They arguably had the best off-season in the entire MLB. Signing Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez will definitely add some serious danger to their lineup. While the loss of Victor Martinez could be a problem behind the plate,  Jarrod Shitalamacchia Saltalamacchia should be able to do a decent job defensively while he splits time with that geriatric fuck, Jason Varitek. Their rotation is a bit of a tricky subject as they will have to rely heavily on Josh Beckett to return to his '07,'08, and '09 form and lead the staff. Something tells me that he is going to have to put in some serious sweat to keep the team off the backs of shitballer Tim Wakefield and Alfredo Aceves. Daisuke Matsuzaka is also another interesting variable along with Clay Buccholz. Look for John Lackey to be his consistent, middle-rotation self and for Jon Lester to finally gain some respect by having a career year.

Rays:  The Rays' rotation has the greatest upside in the division next to the Blue Jays. Watch for Jeremy Hillickson, Wade Davis, and Jeff Niemann to have improved years and for David Price to once again compete for the AL Cy Young. With the loss of Carl Crawford, it leaves a large jock to be filled in the outfield as well as in the lineup. While the additions of Manny Ramirez and Johnny Damon are things a casual fan would be excited about; people who know a dog shit's worth of baseball understand that they are just names used by the Rays' front office to generating some ticket sales (not to mention past steriod abuse that renders Man-Ram physically unable to fill the jock due to shrinkage). With a decimated bullpen and the loss of their closer Rafael Soriano, the Rays could potentially have a lot of problems hanging in with the aforementioned Red Sox and Yankees.

Orioles: I didn't have to look too deep into this team to realize that its going to be another year of eating shit for the O's and their fans. The additions of Derrek Lee and Vladimir Guerrero do bring some pop to the order, but also serious risks of injury. Don't be surprised if they build a handicap ramp for Vlad to get out of the dugout and into the on-deck circle. JJ Hardy is a decent player, but his inconsistency is his biggest threat. Mark Reynolds? Well..what can you really say about him aside from the fact that he will have more strikeouts than the all the guys in the order combined with his .235/.323/.461 line when hitting outside of Arizona. Expect a lot of call-ups throughout the season, a lot of losses, but also the suicide rate to cool off a bit as these birds will start to show signs of competing.

Blue Jays:  The bullpen featuring Octavio Dotel, Jon Rauch and Frank Francisco among others is one of the brightest spots for this rebuilding and youthful Jays squad. The rotation of Cecil, Romero, and Morrow has the potential to be a beastly combo once they get a few more innings under their collective belts. Look for Travis Snider to finally add consistency to his power, and for bounce-back seasons by Aaron Hill and Adam Lind. Also, expect JP Arrencibia to cement his role behind the dish, and for this budding club to be lead by another great season from Jose Bautista. All in all, they're finally rebuilding the right way thanks to some backdoor sneaks from AA. Don't be surprised if they make a few more moves before opening day.

Projected Records:

Red Sox- 97-65
Yankees- 89-73
Rays- 85- 77
Jays- 83-79
Orioles- Fucked

As an addition to this absolutely clairvoyant and flat out sexy analysis, I want to throw in another "...What?" posting. Special thanks to Manny for just being Manny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrhpW602oQ8